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Principal Author: House Representative L. Keegan (National Fascist American Worker’s Party–New Mexico)
Committee: House Education and Workforce
Title: House Bill 124816–An Act to Educate the Students of the United States in Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics by Exposing Them to the Benefits of Technology in Improving Human Performance

As you walk through the halls of you local school, you look through the windows and doors into the classrooms, curious as to what these young specimens of scholarship are doing.

And you are dismayed, to see row upon row of desks staffed with young scientists of twenty years or younger, hands taking notes but not writing, ears looking forward but not seeing, eyes hearing but not listening, brains thinking but not understanding, learning about animals they shall never see and elements they shall never handle. These students sit in these desks each and every day, pull out their paper and pencils and pens, and feign interest in these useless facts they shall never learn, long enough to regurgitate these facts onto a boring test on Friday and score the grade which they require to pass the class.

But, this image only ascribes a face to the present state of public K-12 education in the United States. The fact is, the United States has been left behind in public K-12 education on the global stage. You have downloaded the scores, no? In 2001 the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, or OECD, tested K-12 students from 31 nations in math, science and reading to rank education systems. Pitifully the United States ranked: 14th. Then in 2009, the OECD repeated the test in identical conditions. Where did the United States fall this time? Twenty-seventh! In 2010, the OECD did it a third time–the United States ranked 31st in mathematics education and 23rd in science!

Does this begin to draw a picture in the head? Of course it should! We the United States are failing to prepare our students for the global economy. And this, comrades, takes skill–you do not simply fail miserably at the press of a button! When two thirds of engineers studying for their Ph.D. are foreign citizens, and forty percent of university students who start to major in careers involving science, technology, engineering and math switch to other majors–now that is a science! We have refined failure to a science!

And this transformation threatens our prestige and leadership as a global power. Our national prestige and imperialism are threatened. Our students who obtain STEM careers shall design the military machinery of the battles of tomorrow, raise companies to the top of their industries, engineer the cities of tomorrow! When we support our students in science, technology, engineering and math, we support our armies and our economy. The more citizens serving our nation in STEM careers, the stronger a global power we become! But, as we speak, China has crushed us in the game of economy and killed American jobs with factories churning out almost every commercial good now sold in the  modern globe! The Mashriq or Middle East crawls with terrorist groups like ISIS that strain our armies and homeland security forces! We are at war with the Soviets, who came back from their Cold War grave and now fly over our airspace with impunity! We are losing our authority as the savior of the modern world and the champion of democracy and capitalism, and of many reasons the greatest is that we are failing to support STEM students.

Others have attempted to address this poor education standard, yet all have failed. Common Core failed, since it tested students on higher grade levels than they could manage. No Child Left Behind left children behind by testing too heavily on math and reading, and not enough on science. Korea, China and a number of other oriental nations have improved their education standards greatly, but as we have seen this comes at the cost of poverty.

However, we are not lost forever. There is a blip of hope: schools all over the nation, such as the one to which I attended, have been exposing students to the latest technologies, providing laptops and the latest equipment. They have proved that the more we expose students to technology, the better off we the United States shall be in the long run. These initiatives not only teach these students technological literacy but also expose them to the whole of knowledge and augment their computational powers.

Knowing this, I and my colleague Professor Alfihar Haimrich have come to believe that a human being can be a powerful computer processor and hard drive. This is especially true if hundreds or thousands of human beings are plugged into a supercomputer array containing a computer matrix which provides computational power to the cloud (or the Internet) and any device connected to this cloud.

Therefore, Haimrick and I shall submit this petition in hopes that Congress shall devote funding to program and power a United States Testucational Engineering Matrix, or USTEM for short.

We propose that all students of American primary, secondary and tertiary schools be plugged into a simulated reality contained within this USTEM, in which they shall be tested on science, technology, engineering and mathematics. We also propose that access and control of the computational power of the USTEM shall be granted to the United States Executive Departments, as well as to any private corporation based within the United States which works within STEM careers, commerce, military defense, education, energy, health services, homeland security, urban development and criminal justice.

It is common knowledge that the human mind is the most powerful computer known to man, yet many do not truly appreciate its true power. A rich database of numbers have been estimated to compute the computational power of the average human: in 2002, it was computed that the average human can store 4 x 108 bits of word knowledge, which a mathematician acquaintance of mine calculated to be equal to the storage capacity of 8000 iPhone 5c phones (one of which alone stores 8 gigabytes). In addition, the human brain performs 20 million billion calculations a second. Calculating that over 50 million students shall attend the K-12 public K-12 schools of this nation, and over 21 million its universities and other institutions of higher education, for a total of 71 million students, this means that the brains of all our primary, secondary and tertiary school students make a total of 1.42 septillion calculations a second. If we were to plug these students into the supercomputer named Titanhe-2, which as the most powerful supercomputer in the world can perform over 33,860 calculations a second without outside assistance, such a union of man and machine could perform 48 duodecillion calculations a second! That is 48 with 40 zeroes after it!

As you can compute, our students are quite powerful scientific and engineering forces; and the United States Testucational Engineering Matrix shall harness all these computations and storage capacities for sixteen hours each day, to contribute so much to America’s international supremacy in science and engineering! Students plugged into this Matrix shall take tests for knowledge and aptitude, perform simulations, plug values into equations and perform other projects assigned to them by the United States Departments; and through these tests they can drive military machines such as tanks and drones, perform census counts and collect other data, aid criminal investigations and prosecutions, etc. In addition, for a small fee, private corporations and individual citizens can tap into the power of the USTEM for their own purposes–to create simulations, store emails and documents, search the internet, spy on each other, etc.

The tests that students shall take while plugged into the Matrix shall also reveal their aptitudes, and pair them with specific STEM careers, towards which they shall be directed as they age and their education progresses. The USTEM shall direct some students into the military, others into the medical industry, some into engineering, others into finances, and so forth.

This is not the only benefit which the USTEM can yield for the American people. In fact, hundreds of benefits can be calculated, depending on the specific design of the USTEM in practice. The design which Haimirich and I advocate provides USTEM students with a pod filled with vital liquids for feeding their bodies and monitoring their health, while they sleep and test and perform calculations. Their bodies can then be used to address hundreds of other problems that plague American society! Of these benefits we shall list only the most important to conserve time and energy.

One: it creates productive jobs, something of which we are desperately wanting in the wake of the stock market crashes of the past decade, and eliminates jobs that do nothing to improve the economy. We shall need plenty of technicians, electricians, software programmers and others with a background in computer technologies to maintain the Matrix. We shall also hire culinary chemists to grow and prepare food, doctors to care for students’ medical needs, programmers to protect the code, guards to discipline aberrant students, and family liaisons to ease students and their families into and out of the Matrix. Finally, with avatars providing instruction and serving as a liaison between students and the corporations and government which they serve, we can eliminate our teachers who have proven to be incompetent in STEM education, and retrain them into other careers within the United States government. The proverb “Those who cannot do, teach” shall not apply to the USTEM’s teachers and workers, for there is no teaching within the Matrix, only doing.

Two: the pods shall be sealed from the outside elements, and the students better occupied with their testing and sleep. Thus, we shall see pregnancy, substance abuse, sexually transmitted infections and sexual violence and rape decrease among teenaged students. Furthermore, since these students shall not be exposed to sexual perversion as they are today, only to science and mathematics, marriage infidelity, divorce, LGBT identity, prostitution, drunken driving and other vices typically learned in one’s teenage years shall also decrease among adults who graduated from the USTEM. Thanks to the USTEM, we shall install a generation of responsible, asexual Americans.

Four: hunger and poverty shall cease to plague American society. A student's food and housing shall be provided by its pod while plugged into the Matrix, and medical professionals shall always stand ready to care for its medical needs. In fact, at the end of its education, if the student has learned properly and chooses so, it can forgo its body and be downloaded into the Matrix as an assistant program to the avatars, programmers and other USTEM workers and administrators. What happens to its body, we shall explain in a moment.

Eight: it decreases prison populations. Studies and prison reforms of late have demonstrated that as one becomes educated, one's chances decrease of aberrating into crime and poverty, and entering the prison system. The USTEM shall ensure that no student aberrates, since students have only one logical choice: to continue their higher education in STEM careers. Instead of living a life of avarice and lust and greed and sloth that shall eventually lead to a prison cell with little to contribute to conscientious society, students shall be compelled to test and score high in science and think in a logical, mathematical manner, uncorrupted by empathy, diverse cultural passion and religious compassion. In fact, students who pursue more artistic and creative careers or enter a vocation (both of which naturally require little scientific talent) shall be mandatorily deprived of their bodies. These bodies can then be harvested to cure various ailments: the bodies of non-heterosexuals shall be used to cure lack of productivity and lack of patriotism, those of the religious to cure empathy, of non-Caucasians to cure individuality and creativity, of libertarians and liberals to cure transparency in policy, of ascetics and lovers of nature to cure simplicity and low class, of the impoverished and the hungry to cure poor management of finances and assets. The Matrix shall assist us in finding and eliminating divergents who threaten societal efficiency with their mockery of logic they call “creativity,” criminals and paupers who will one day aberrate into a life of capital vice, in ways that prison and education reformers of today could never.

This harvesting of humans shall also fuel the American economy by opening up a vast bank of resources, as we are told by our partners. The fashion designers shall find human skin quite fashionable for leather handbags and jackets, Regina Vangloria of the Department of Commerce reports; and theatrical companies, museums curators and storeowners can use any props they can find. Bertram Todgard of the Department of Health and Human Services reports that hospitals would happily take any blood that can be transfused, organs that can be transplanted and sperm and eggs that can be used on the infertile. Power stations can double as crematories and funeral homes, reports Drogo Erdmann of the Department of Energy. And Mark Hungary and Amanda Cocina of the Department of Agriculture report that restaurants shall cook up a variety of delicious recipes containing muscle, brain, fat and other parts; they also added that, in their words, “We will prove that we are not nearly as savage as the communist cat killers in China and Korea, who skin their animals alive and cage them in their own excrement! Imagine that! Chinese and Korean cuisine that tastes just like real Chinese and Korean, but without all the violence! Instead, we Americans shall let our students swim in their food tanks and feel free to think rationally as the United States government and private corporations tell them to!” And, thanks to this, no longer need we depend on foreign goods manufactured on foreign concrete and metal, nor outsource American jobs. We can support American workers and companies by harvesting American flesh, and selling what flesh we do not use in our American products to foreign consumers.

We can harvest many other benefits from the USTEM, if we design it for those purposes. For example, if military machines are wirelessly connected to the USTEM’s computational power, war shall cease to demoralize the American public. I had the good fortune to speak with Anastasia Moskowvy, who was previously employed by the Department of Veteran Affairs (VA for short), at a convention on veteran public assistance, at which she was speaking. Moskowvy explains that the budget for veteran affairs greatly burdens the total budget of government: in 2012, it was reported to be $132 billion. In 2013, it had increased to $153 billion. Yet in 2011, researchers from Brown University computed that medical and disability costs would ultimately cost $1 trillion–a couple billion dollars barely scratches the surface! And the VA has lost her trust. It has lost 10,000 employees over the past 5 years, increased patients treated by 24%, and you remember the scandals of 2014! How in May 2014, the Veterans Health Administration was forced to admit that it failed miserably to schedule timely access to medical care–40 veterans in Phoenix, Arizona died, waiting! How can we devote trillions of dollars to an administration that has clearly collapsed on itself? Of course we cannot! But, Moskowvy advocates the USTEM alongside us, believing that we can solve what the Department of Veteran Affairs clearly has not. As we explained previously, with emotion and empathy being adequately repressed, veterans can fight wars through military drones and machinery while believing that they are actually playing an online empire game; and thanks to this revolutionary technology, they shall enjoy impunity to not only physical injury but also post-traumatic shock, and shall no longer require public assistance after their wars.

And if we offer parents a small monetary reward for choosing to plug their students into the USTEM instead of homeschooling them, a monetary reward which we propose to be calculated to be roughly $14,084.51 per child, then we shall see abortions, miscarriages and domestic cruelty decrease. After all, what mother would want to abort her unborn student when the USTEM shall pay her to plug it into the Matrix? And what father would dare kick and beat his pregnant wife knowing that one kick could cost the family $14,000? None, we tell you!

The USTEM has simply too many benefits for us as a nation to ignore this proposal. It offers a clean, easy-to-understand yet utile solution to so many problems that plague our nation–poverty, lack of education, crime, the subjugation of the American economy to foreign powers–problems that previous reformers have failed to address! Therefore, until a proposal comes along that proves to be more efficient than ours, spare us the pain of having to read through others’ miserable attempts at rational problem-solving! My head will glitch and burst into flames if I hear again that Finland topped the same three education system tests that the United States bombed thanks to training  and paying teachers well, and to tasking students with projects and labs that test their creativity and problem-solving skills!

That children, prisoners, teachers and minorities are more than just numbers on a sheet of paper with test scores and other numbers attached, and can succeed through creativity and passion even with the worst test scores!

That children, prisoners and minorities enjoy creative, artistic activities such as theatre and painting and storytelling that let them express their personalities and beliefs without fear of being struck dead and hushed up!

That when people from all walks of life can share their talents and beliefs with their local communities in a forum of diversity, égalitarian opportunity and joyous tolerance, without discrimination by race, gender, religion, nationality or sexuality, they can teach each other the science and the art of living happily and virtuously!

That any and every child, man and woman from every walk of life has the chance to escape poverty and capital vice if he or she so desires, by developing strong friendships and family-like bonds with their neighbors and by cultivating his scientific talents and creative passions, and can become a local community leader!

That the internet is not just a database for test scores, but rather a land of passionate creativity that must be free to access by anybody and everybody!

That prisoners and children become community leaders when exposed to opportunities for community service, higher education and financial assistance! That growing food gardens for the local food banks, training seeing-eye puppies, studying in university classes, job and home counseling, and meeting with their children and families regularly helps them escape poverty and crime!

I have vented enough already. There is no reason to cry over spilled food solution, no? I had fought these égalitarian, creative crimethinks for years; but now I am rebooted and I am ready to help this nation reboot too. And, the United States Testucational Engineering Matrix is my contribution.

I have drafted this proposal only out of the virtue of my brain. I have nothing to gain selfishly from this–in fact, were I to be plugged into the Matrix, I would be quickly disposed of, for it would be found that I am too creative and artistic, too unpatriotic, too faithful in spirit, too liberal and libertarian, too ascetic and outgoing, and too gay to doublethink in cognitive dissonance. I only hope that my mind can be and reintegrated into the United States Testucational Engineering Matrix as a more efficient process.
The Testucational Engineering Matrix Act
In my English literature class, our professor tasked us with drafting a proposal in the style and mannerisms of Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal, satirizing the public response to a controversial issue. I chose to draft H.B. 124816: an Act to Educate the Students of the United states in Science, Technology, Engineering and Math by Exposing Them to the Benefits of Technology in Improving Human Performance.

In other words: plug public school students in all levels of education, from kindergarten to university, into a simulated reality called the U-STEM.

- - -
P.S. If you ask, the Latin motto at the top of the document translates to "One out of many, because all human beings are created proper."
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Jesus's Boardroom Suggestion by KeeganTheAwesome
Jesus's Boardroom Suggestion
A Boardroom Suggestion comic poking fun at the church's attempts to draw young adults back into itself with social media, fast food and other cheap tactics when they should instead focus on dispelling their reputation of rubbing their faith in others' faces. Simple, I know, but I felt like sharing this.
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KeeganTheAwesome
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I don't have a lot of preferences when it comes to art. All a work of art has to do to catch my attention, really, is be colourful, get me thinking (unlike a lot of people, it seems these days), make me laugh, or help my come up with ideas for a story I'm working on.
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